Why am I still up?

Well, the reason could be

A) I have not finish my homework for my class for tomorrow today. Yeah, I procrastinated, if you call working procrastination, again all week long and now I have to teach in a few hours and I am barely getting the stuff down on paper.

B)It could be because my little boy is having his very first sleepover at his cousin's house and I am panicked that he may not be happy, that he may be sad, that he may be needing me.

Definitely: B. You see, I happily agreed 2 days ago to let him have a sleepover with his cousins. Of course, 2 days ago I did not know that I still had him attached to my umbilical cord (and not of his choosing, but mine). This morning, ooops, yesterday morning, I helped him get all his stuff ready in his little bag. He was happily carrying his little bag with his clothes, pjs, toothbrush, etc., with one hand and with the other, he was holding his Dad's sleeping bag. My 3 year old is all ready to grow up and be a big boy.

I can't express to you the sadness I felt when I left him this afternoon at 6pm at his cousin's home out in Newton. Sam changed him into his pj's and of course, as a concerned Mum, I explained to my dear BIL all of Bryant's nightly quirks and rituals. As I bent down to kiss him good bye, I just felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. I know full well that I will pick him up in a couple of hours and he will be happy, however, that did not matter to me at that very moment. I contained my tears with all my might. As Sam and I got in the car, I just couldn't hold them any longer. I just bawled like a babe. My little boy, my little baby boy was leaving me for an entire night, that has only happened once, yep, only 1 time before and that was when I gave birth to Nyah. I felt dispensable, as if he really doesn't need me. Will he realize if I never came back? Will he realized that Mummy wasn't going to be there to watch Little Einsteins with him? Will he realize that I wasn't going to say good night? Will he one day say to himself..."hmmm, I wonder what ever happened to that chubby lady who sat to knit all the time?"

So, I can't go to bed, my boy is not home and I really want him home. Today, I realized that I need my kids for survival, just the same way that I need my hubby for survival. There is no point in coming home if my children/hubby are not here with me to spend the evening with. I know I sound very sappy...but I really miss him. I guess what I am starting to realize that he is growing and I am not ready to let go.

Well, enough crying for one night...at least my little Nyah is here...no sleepovers for her! I am afraid I will drown Sam and I in my tears.

Comments

[Tina]

ahh, the beginning, and not the end. Why do you think so many of us get 'baby blues' and start thinking about maybe another little baby would be welcomed in the house. We see the older ones not needing us as much, and yearn to be cuddled with etc. Welcome to this world. It gets better, but boy are some days bad.
(its really bad when your older kids start asking when they are going to have another sibling too..... grrr)

[Pumpkinmama]

I can't even imagine! We're not quite there yet, and while there are days I *wish* he could just go stay with someone else for a while, I know my heart would break too. Hang in there!

[Denise]

Yup it's one of the first steps in a looooong journey!
It's never easy, but it's worth it.

[Kim/Chef Messy]

Awww, just remember that it must mean you're doing a good job that he's willing to be so independent! It means he knows he's loved and that you'll always be there, which is just the thing he needs to know!

But I know what you mean--it almost makes me sad every morning when Matthew practically pushes me out the door at preschool!